The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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