Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
