just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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