His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
