I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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