Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
