I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
it glows. i had to have it.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I think my moral compass just broke
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
