If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
