I think scott just propositioned me for sex
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
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