She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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