i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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