No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
