you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
