I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We don't watch enough power rangers
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Randomize