I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
