if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
