i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
