there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
