We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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