Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
