is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
