i barfeds in our rink
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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