Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
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i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
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If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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