i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
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I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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