you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
