Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
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I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
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Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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