I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
You're a waste of cheezeits
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
