Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
