just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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