I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
