don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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