Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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