Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
