I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
