When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
