you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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