Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
