We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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