sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
