She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
