Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
