why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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