Soap is not a condiment
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
