I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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