I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
