He asked to "fluff my boner.."
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
