Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
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Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
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Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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