i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
