All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I want to fling myself into the sun
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
