I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
There are leaves in my underwear?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
