I think I died a long time ago.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
