I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
my mouth tastes like poor choices
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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