I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
