Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
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He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
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Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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