that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
